Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
