i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
