I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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