i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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