His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
