If that was your dad, he is hot
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
