are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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