Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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