those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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