i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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