I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
