the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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