2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
