he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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