Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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