i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
