i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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