we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
