you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize