Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
