it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
