The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
