if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
