Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
