please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
