i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
