Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
