Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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