Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
We are two peas in an std pod
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
