I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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