Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
ttyl tear gas
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
