Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
