Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
