Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
