i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
