Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
