she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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