I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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