i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
