You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
