Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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