Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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