I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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