so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
