Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
