I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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