my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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