So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
