it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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