she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
